NAKED ALIEN STUNT DOUBLE?!!

I was living in LA, pursuing my acting dream. I had an audition for a TV movie about aliens. It was for the lead role. They called me back and I ended up booking the job. I was ecstatic! I memorized the script in two days and showed up on the set feeling like a star...

The make-up artist started to apply a thick, green liquid to my face and neck and head... he told me it would harden and it might be difficult to eat or drink. I was confused because my role in the script was not the alien. I was supposed to be human. I inquired about this and the make-up artist looked at me oddly. I started getting nervous and asked to speak with the director right away.

Director: Who are you? What do you want?

I was taken aback.

Me: I'm Amy. Amy Wade, the lead character.

Director: (he laughs out loud) We have a 'name actress' for the lead role. Who are you?

I wanted to die. What an embarrassing moment.

Me: I'm Am-

Director: (interrupting me) I don't have time for this shit. JANICE! Where the fuck is Janice? Someone get my assistant!

The alien make-up was solidifying. I could barely move my lips.

"Janice" came running into the make-up room.

Janice: I'm here, what happened?

Director: Who is this girl?

Janice: I don't know- who are you? What's your name? (looking at her clipboard) You're the alien stunt double.

Me: I'm what?

Janice: An alien, who does stunts. Did I stutter?

The comment made me want to BITCH-SLAP her.

Me: I was cast as the lead character, not the alien.

They laughed.

Director: You're joking, right? You're a no-name. A nobody whose costing me time and money. Janice, you handle this. She needs to be on set in 10 minutes.

He walked away.

Me: But I memorized the whole script! I was cast as "Simtra." That's the-

Janice: (interrupting) Emily, we're past that. MOVING ON... Miguel- do you have the body paint ready?

Me: My name is Amy, not Emily.

Janice: Okay Amy, get rid of your attitude. Now take off your fucking clothes so Miguel can finish with the body make-up. 

Me: Excuse me?

Janice: Jesus Christ, you actors are a pain in my ass. Your character is naked, but you'll be covered in green paint so you won't be able to see anything.

Me: Wait a second, HOLD ON! You want me to do stunt work- NAKED????

Janice: Are you DEAF? Holy shit I just told you- the green paint will cover your body, we'll hardly see anything once Miguel has finished.

I was barely listening. The green shit on my face was hardening- I'm clausterphobic.

Me: Oh my God I can't feel my lips!

Janice: That's okay- you don't have any lines.

I wanted to shove a STICK UP HER ASS.

Me: How much are you paying me for this?

Janice: Two hundred bucks- that's fifty more than what we originally agreed upon.

Me: You want me to be a NAKED ALIEN STUNT DOUBLE FOR $200 BUCKS?!!!

I started to cry but my nostrils were sealed shut and I couldn't breathe.

Me: Someone get this make-up off of me! I'm outta here!

I didn't care if I ever worked with these people again. This SLUT-WHORE was pushing me over the edge.

I couldn't peel the make-up off my face. I started hyperventilating.

Director: (returning) What the fuck is going on? She's supposed to be done by now! The crew is waiting for her to get on the lift for the first stunt!

The director looked at me.

Director: What the fuck are you doing? You're ruining the mask!

I was punching myself in the face, trying to crack the hardened make-up.

Director: You are costing us money! (to Janice) What is her name?

Janice: Emily.

I cracked the mask around my mouth and started pulling off chunks of it.

Me: I'm Amy! My name is Amy! Someone help me get this stuff OFF MY FACE!

Director: (yelling at me) Stop breaking it! (to Janice) Where did you get this girl? 

I punched myself again and the mask broke into a million pieces. I was FREE!

Director: YOU ARE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS!

Me: Is that a threat or do you mean I have to pay for the alien mask?

Director: Listen you little BRAT- I will RUIN your name in this town! You can't walk off the set! The crew is waiting for you and we don't have time to hire another stunt double so GET UNDRESSED and GET YOUR ASS ON SET! Janice! Find Mitchell to help Miguel. He can work on another mask while Miguel does the body paint.

At this point, I wasn't embarrassed anymore. My BI-POLAR side was emerging. When that happens, there's no turning back.

Janice walked over to me and tried to tug at the arms of my shirt. This was NOT A SMART MOVE.

"Bi-Polar Amy" took over.

Me: If you TOUCH me, JANE, I'm going to SHOVE MY FIST UP YOUR ASS UNTIL IT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

Mitchell and Miguel froze. Janice backed off.

I grabbed my bags and walked out of the make-up room. I wasn't done. I found the director on set with the crew. I was so furious I was shaking. My thoughts were racing and my mind was seeking VENGEANCE.

Me: HEY!! 

The director turned around.

Me: I’M OUTTA HERE! Find someone else to get naked and do STUNTS in an alien costume for $200!!!!

Director: You can't talk to me like that! You work for ME! You will NOT walk off this set!

Me: WATCH ME!

I started walking toward my car. The director followed me.

Director: Your career is OVER young lady!

I stopped and turned around.

Me: I HAVE NO CAREER, I'm a no-name, remember? Now get away from me!

I was FUMING. He was still following me to my car. The veins in my neck and forehead were BURSTING THROUGH MY SKIN.

Me: I said, BACK OFF!

The entire cast and crew had assembled in the background. Some of them were giving me a "thumbs up" sign. Most of them were laughing and enjoying the entertainment.

As I got into my car I started thinking about his threat. Could he ruin my future as an actress? Probably. But at that moment, I didn't care.

Me: (to myself) A NAKED ALIEN STUNT DOUBLE??? 

I cried the whole way home.

NAKED ALIEN STUNT DOUBLE was one of MANY strange and unfortunate experiences I would have during my twenty years in the pursuit.