MATCH.COM

I hear about it all of the time. "Success" stories from MATCH.COM. Whoopee! Hurray for you! (sarcasm) I must've been taking out the trash when it was my turn for success. I get all the losers. My last date was with a guy who had halitosis. I almost GAGGED when he walked into the bar. It hit me from across the room. All I could think was, "Oh my God. That's my date. Where do I hide?" I looked down as fast as I could. It was too late. He saw me.
"BE-TRUE! OVER HERE!" Oh my God. He was yelling my code name across the bar. I wanted to DIE.
"Hi! I'm Henry!"
It figured he had a name that began with an "H".
I couldn't believe how bad his breath smelled. It was like standing next to a pile of dead animals.
I turned my head as he gave me a hug. The next few minutes were challenging. I tried not to inhale. It sounded like I was out of breath when I introduced myself. (I was.)
"I'm Lisa," I said. (I never tell them my real name on a first date.) 
The bar was crowded, which made things worse because he had to lean into my ear when he spoke. I thought my ear was going to melt from the bacteria coming out of his mouth.
I noticed other bar patrons moving away from us. I'm sure they smelled it, too.
"Doesn't he know he has halitosis?" I thought to myself. All he had to do was breathe into the wind.
I pulled out a pack of gum. THANK GOD I had stopped at 7-11.
"I'm always worried I have bad breath," I said casually, as I put a piece in my mouth.  "Do you want one?" I practically shoved it in his face.
"No, I'm good, thank you." He said.
(long pause)
"Are you sure? It's REALLY good gum! The flavor lasts forever." I was giving it my best shot.
It didn't work. He refused the gum. I tried to be polite and endure the small talk, but I started getting dizzy from holding my breath. I stood up.
"I apologize, Henry. I'm not feeling well. I'm going home."
"Really?" He said. "You're not having a good time? Don't you want a beer or something?"
"I'm sorry. I really don't feel well. Thank you anyway." I grabbed my purse and hurried to the door. 
"LISA! Wait a minute!"
Oh my GOD. He was right behind me.
"Could you drop me off? I live close by."
Was he kidding? I couldn't believe this shit. "Where's your car?"
He paused before he answered.
"My brother has it."
Bullshit. What a loser.
I did not want this guy getting in my car. It would smell like DEATH for a year.
"How close do you live?" I asked.
"Just down the street."
It wasn't. 
I fumigated my car the next day and deleted my account from MATCH.COM.