ANOTHER SMOOTH TALKER...
For the second time this summer, I got picked up at the beach. This time I was walking back to my car. I heard someone running up behind me.
"Hi! Can I walk with you?"
A beautiful man with a gorgeous smile appeared next to me.
"Sure!" I was excited. What a gentleman!
"You walk really fast." He said. "My name is Adam. What's yours?"
"Amy." I said, without thinking.
"Amy." He repeated. "I love the name Amy."
"Oh boy, here we go again." I thought to myself. Or did I say it out loud?
"Where are you going?" He asked me.
"To my car." I was already annoyed.
"So Amy, what do you do to stay fit? Your body is so muscular."
LONG PAUSE. (I HATE BEING MUSCULAR.)
"I box whenever I can. It's my favorite sport." I walked even faster. Where the hell was my car? I couldn't remember where I parked.
"Wow- you box? No wonder you have guns!" He reached over and tried to squeeze my bicep.
I pulled my arm back.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm sorry, that was inappropriate. Forgive me. Tell me about yourself."
It was hot and I was sweating. I didn't feel like talking to this JERK-OFF, but I didn't know how to get out of the situation. I just wanted to find my car and go home.
"Do you have any pets?" He asked me.
What an odd question.
"In fact, I do. I have a cat and a dog."
"Well, now you have two dogs." He said.
Huh? "No, I only have one dog."
"But I'm a dog." He said, almost proudly. "So now you have two."
"What did you just say?" I was totally floored.
"I'm kidding!" He said. "All men are dogs- but I'm a well-behaved dog."
It took me a moment to respond.
"I can't believe you just said that."
He laughed. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Don't take me so seriously!"
I was about to say something, but he kept on talking.
"You seem really uptight- your shoulders look stiff. I'm a masseuse- why don't you come to my place and I'll give you a free massage?"
I felt like I was in a cheesy porn movie from the 70's. I finally found my car. THANK GOD.
I stopped and looked at him.
"Why don't you hang yourself? I have rope in my trunk."
He laughed. He thought I was joking.
I pulled a coil of rope from under my spare tire.
"Here. This should work."
I tossed him the rope and got in my car. I peeled out.
I HATE MEN.