DOUCHEBAGS

So my friend is telling me about a blind date she had with a co-worker's friend. She dry-heaved 3 times trying to get the story out. I'm listening to her but my jaw is hanging wide open. I already know the guy is a total douchebag.

First, she tells me they tried to make plans. Through texting. He decided to take the initiative by sending her a text with "options."(Insert dumbfounded emoticon.) What a loser! My friend shows me his text on her phone.

OPTIONS:

A. Come here and we can do take-out

B. Get together tomorrow and do it your way

C. Come here tonight and I go your way tomorrow. 

P.S. (My favorite option is "C"!)

Then he attached a picture of himself, or... his feet, actually. He took a "selfie" of his legs crossed, his feet resting on an ottoman in front of a roaring fire.

Oh please.

She tells him the next night would be okay and that he could come "her way" around 7pm.

He agrees.

The next morning, he texts her that he TOOK THE DAY OFF so they could spend more time together! 

WTF????? They hadn't even met!!!!! 

I'm screaming in my head- RED FLAGS! RED FLAGS!
To my dismay, she tells him he can come over at 5pm, but that's the earliest.

At 2pm, she looks at her phone. He texted her.
"I'm on my way!"

(A long moment of silence.)

There are so many things wrong with this.
So my friend remains positive, hoping for the best. At this point she didn't really have a choice anyway.
He arrives THREE HOURS early. When she opens the door, he gives her a hug and a KISS???????????????????????? ON THE LIPS! My friend said she almost threw up in his mouth. She shoved him away and he apologized. Then she noticed he was wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt and a baseball hat! HOLY CRAP was this guy for real? At least the baseball hat was a Nike (and it looked brand new.) Woohoo! He splurged on that one! My friend had ordered Chinese food to be delivered. As they were eating, he started doing impersonations of Bernie Sanders and Ronald Reagan! She said she was choking on her egg role the whole time. He talked about LONG-TERM goals and their future together! But wait- it gets worse! When she walked over to the sink, (to GAG in private) he asked her, "Are those pants from NASA? Because your ass is out of this world!"

(Another moment of silence.)

Finally, she asked him to leave. He said, "But wait! Our date just started!" She said, "And it just ended." 
A few minutes after he left, she found his Nike baseball hat on the couch.  Damn. She didn't want to deal with him if he came back for it. Thank GOD he didn't. She decided to keep it. (After disinfecting it of course.)

I hate DOUCHEBAGS.