STARBUCKS & CELL PHONES

If I had an S.F.I, card, I could use it for times like, you know, when I’m at STARBUCKS and the lady in front of me has like TEN KIDS and she's talking on her cell phone, and the Coffee Server Girl is ready to take her order, but the cell phone lady holds up her hand and says, "just a sec" and I have to stop myself from slamming her head into the glass case where all of the pastries are on display, as me and the Coffee Server Girl stand there listening to the rest of her story about that fantastic COLON CLEANSING she just had… so I cough real loud and the cell phone SLUT suddenly stops talking and very "innocently" says, “Oh my God! Is it my turn already?!” And me and the Coffee Server Girl look at each other like, “Is she for REAL?!” So then the BOTOX BITCH hangs up her phone and  starts to order.  Now I want to kill myself because she looks down at one of her TEN kids (the one who is sitting on the floor licking crumbs and shit off the tiles) and she says, “Mattie? Mattie darling, what would you like from the coffee bar honey? A cookie? A milkshake? How about a chocolate ‘Madeline’? A chocolate MADELINE for MATTIE! How 'bout that, pumpkin?  Wouldn’t that be nice? They named a cookie after you!" Then she giggles and I'm ready to PUKE all over her BUTT-UGLY face and her Versace-fucking clothes and balloon injected LIPS because “Mattie” can’t even say the alphabet let alone pick out something to eat!  So now little “Mattie” is standing up and drooling all over the glass case where the brownies and coffee cake and muffins are kept, and the little shit is pointing to all of them so the Coffee Server Girl makes a suggestion, hoping to speed things up a bit but the HOLLYWOOD WHORE says, “Mattie can order by herself, isn’t that right, Mattie darling?” But OF COURSE, "Mattie" can't order by herself  and so she starts SCREAMING- the screams are so loud it feels like someone shoved a JAVELIN through my brain and now I want to shove Mattie's little head into the glass case but before I can act on my thoughts the cell phone lady says, "Oh, sweetie, no need to scream like that. I'll order something for you" and she looks at the Coffee Server Girl and asks, "What kind of beverages do have?" And me and the Coffee Server Girl look at each other again and now I think the Coffee Server Girl wants to shove her head into the glass case and I'm looking at my watch and realizing I've been standing in this freakin' line for FIFTEEN MINUTES and I wonder if my craving for a "crumble coffee cake" is worth going to jail for… Meanwhile, the rest of  her kids are tearing the EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH photos off the wall and sticking them on each other’s ASSES and I can feel the VEINS BULGING out of my neck and forehead, a TELLTALE sign that I'm about to BLOW and now at this point in time, an S.F.I. card would come in VERY HANDY. I could whip it out of my wallet and flash it to the cell phone bitch and watch her eyes pop out of her head because everyone knows that someone with an S.F.I. card has SERIOUS FUCKIN ISSUES and all of the people in the coffee shop would start RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES and at last, I could grab my crumble cake, throw a few bucks on the counter, and be on my way.

Is that too much to ask for?

I don't think so.

Not at all.