TYLENOL TROUBLE

My girlfriend called to tell me about an audition for TYLENOL. They were casting female boxers. It was a national spot for the Summer Olympics.

By the time I arrived, the auditions were over. The waiting room was empty and the sign-in sheet was gone. I was about to leave when a door opened down the hall. A young woman came out.  She looked me up and down. I thought she was going to yell at me.

"Are you here for the TYLENOL spot?" She asked. "You must be a boxer. Or a weightlifter."
She was referring to my arms. I have muscular arms. It's freakish. I have issues wearing tank tops. I hate my arms.

"Yes, my name is Amy Wade. I'm a boxer. A friend told me about the audition."

"The auditions are over, but the director will definitely want to see those arms. We changed the spot. No boxers. We're looking for a professional archer."

What the hell was a professional archer? It sounded familiar. I couldn't remember the sport. This was awkward.

I said, "Oh, really? That's cool." What a dumb thing to say.

"Do you have any experience?"

Oh my God. What do I say?

"Sure. I'm not a professional but I've done it before." I had no idea what I was talking about.

"Great! Let's see what you can do!"

FUCK.

She led me down a hallway through a door to the parking lot. There was a tent set up with a table and a camera and lights, etc. On the table was a giant BOW with some arrows next to it.

ARCHERY! ( DUH!)

I'd never shot a bow and arrow before. This was not good.

Her cell phone started ringing. She excused herself and went back inside to take the call. I was panicking. A young man appeared from behind the tent.

"You know how to shoot a bow and arrow?" He asked me.

"No." I said. I couldn't fake this. The bow was HUGE. I didn't even know how to hold it.

The man laughed. "I didn't think so. Let me show you."

He grabbed the bow and demonstrated how to hold it. Then he showed me how to hold the arrow against the bow before releasing it. My arms were shaking. I was nervous the casting director was going to come out in the middle of my lesson. Of course, she did.

"Nice form! All right, let's see how good you are." she said as she came up behind me.

Oh my GOD- should I tell them to clear the area? I looked behind the target. There were some cars parked about 50 yards away. "You've got to be kidding me", I thought to myself.  "I'm going to smash someone's window."

I took a deep breath and released the arrow.

"NICE SHOT!" They both yelled out.

I opened my eyes and realized I'd hit the circle just outside the center! TOTAL BEGINNER'S LUCK. If she asked me to do it again, I'd miss the target.

"We'll be in touch with you, Ms. Wade," the casting director said.

She called the next morning. I couldn't believe it! They cast me! I was going to be in a NATIONAL COMMERCIAL DURING THE SUMMER OLYMPICS! I was ECSTATIC! Then I wanted to kill myself. How was I going to fake this?

I arrived on the set early. The production assistant told me to wait in my trailer and they would come get me for hair and make-up. I had my own TRAILER?! Wow! This would be a FIRST! I'd take a picture of it and send it to my parents! The assistant told me to follow him. We reached a row of trailers and he led me to a door that said "Andy Wade".

"Here we are." He said.

"My name is Amy, not Andy." I told him.

Embarrassing moment. I hate my life.
He was apologetic, as he pulled out a giant black Sharpie from his pocket and scribbled out "Andy", replacing it with, "AMY."  It looked stupid. I decided NOT to take a picture of it.

Twenty minutes later they called me for hair and make-up. I love getting my hair and make-up done. As it turns out, the make-up artist SUCKED and my face looked like SHIT. The hair stylist SUCKED too and she put my hair in the tightest little bun that made my head look like a tennis ball. When I got back to my trailer I looked in the mirror and couldn't believe how UGLY I looked.
This SUCKED.
The production assistant came to get me. I was introduced to the director, the cinematographer, the producers, and the camera crew. They were all looking at my arms. I felt totally self-conscious. Did I say I HATE my arms? (Childhood trauma from being teased by classmates.)

The director told me to aim the arrow to the left of the camera.  I looked at the MILLION DOLLAR piece of equipment and almost shit myself. He showed me where to stand and said we were doing long shots first. Then medium shots, and my close-ups would be last.
Damn it. I was already sweating. It was a really hot day- close to 90 degrees. By the time we did my close-ups I was going to look like a swimmer instead of an archer.
The assistant director asked me if I was ready. I was shaking. "Yes, I think so." I looked at the crew standing near the target. They were too close.  Why didn't they move further away? I felt like I was going to puke.

When the director yelled, "ACTION!" I took a deep breath, and released the arrow. As soon as it left my fingertips I knew it wasn't going to hit the target. SHIT! OH MY GOD! There was a clusterfuck of commotion as everyone dove into the ground, trying to dodge the arrow. My heart stopped. The arrow went through the craft services tent and hit a trailer parked behind it.  Then, everything went SILENT. You could hear a PIN DROP. I wanted to sink into the earth- ALL THE WAY TO CHINA.
This was not a good situation.

"What the HELL was that?" The director said out loud.

"I'm so sorry, I'm really nervous, and sweaty... (gross, I can't believe I said I was "sweaty") the arrow slipped from my fingers. I'll hit the target next time."

There was a long pause before anyone said anything. I expected to be fired. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. Probably for the best. I didn't know what I was doing.

"Back to ONE, everybody. Let's give this another go." The director didn't look at me.
I fought back tears.

"You SUCK, Amy!" My alter ego was floating above my right ear, screaming into it. "You'll never hit the target- you're gonna blow the chance of a lifetime!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I yelled back at EVIL AMY. (She's such a little BITCH.) I wasn't sure if I yelled it out loud or in my head. I was a wreck. I had to hold myself together.

I grabbed the bow and pulled back on the arrow, waiting for the director to yell "ACTION" again.
"CLEAR THE AREA!" The production assistant shouted. He looked as nervous as I did.

The camera's started rolling and I prayed to the LORD OF THE UNIVERSE as I released the arrow. I was concentrating so hard I didn't see where the arrow went. Time STOOD STILL. 

"You hit the target!" I heard a voice yell. 

THANK GOD. I breathed for the first time in ten minutes. The production assistant looked relieved. I gained a little confidence. We repeated this shot at least TWENTY times. I lost count. My arms were DEAD. I couldn't believe I was hitting the target.  Finally, we moved on to the medium shots. Sweat was pouring from my eyebrows like a waterfall. It stung my eyes. I hated myself for sweating so much. Sometimes I think I was supposed to be a man. This thought kept popping into my head and I started obsessing about it. I was probably delusional from dehydration and exhaustion.  The production assistant noticed my fatigue. (My arms shaking uncontrollably might have been a CLUE) I was going to start missing the target and kill somebody. Even the crew was getting nervous. They stood further and further away from the target.
Finally, the director said we were doing close-ups. If I could just hang in there for a few more takes...
By now, I didn't care how gross I looked. I didn't think I'd ever be able to use my arms again. They were going to have to be amputated.
Somehow, I got through ten more rounds of hell. I hardly remember shooting the arrows.  At LAST, the director called it a rap.

Of course, I was so excited, I told EVERYONE and their MOTHERS about my spot in a NATIONAL COMMERCIAL. I didn't have to worry about whether or not my face would be in the commercial. It had to be. I was shooting a bow and arrow. My head was next to the bow for every shot.

The Summer Olympics began. My family and friends were glued to the television, waiting to see me in a Tylenol commercial. The first three days passed. Nothing. On the fourth day, I was eating a bowl of LUCKY CHARMS when, all of a sudden, I saw a gymnast in a commercial. I knew it was my commercial because they were shooting the gymnast the same day I did my spot.  I waited for what seemed like an eternity... the damn gymnast was still on the screen... then, I saw... something... it looked like... an arm?  It took me a second to realize it was MY ARM, in a close-up, with giant VEINS popping out and sweat glistening on my skin... then the camera started to pan upwards... at this point I was on the edge of my seat, praying to GOD the make-up job looked better on camera than it did on the set... and then I saw the lower half of my face- I was getting so excited I stood up and spilled my bowl of LUCKY CHARMS all over the carpet but I didn't care... then the camera stopped, right there, just below my nose, (you could see a pool of sweat on my upper lip- GROSS!) and then the footage turned into slow motion as my fingers released the arrow. The flesh on my lower jaw rippled from the force of the arrow, and then the commercial cut to a swimmer diving into a pool. That was it. 

(Long, awkward pause...)

The disappointment in my heart was so deep I literally dropped to the floor. I felt something wet and sticky under my legs. (The Lucky Charms.) I sat there for a long time. My phone started ringing. I turned it off. What was I going to say? "Yeah, that was my arm! And my lower lip! Wasn't that spectacular?!"
I was in disbelief. Even when I got a break, it slipped away. How fucked up is that? I must have sat there for HOURS, sobbing, then laughing, then sobbing again. It was so damn typical. I was mortified. Whose idea was the slow-motion jaw-rippling effect? GROSS! And the sweat on my upper lip? YUCK! 
Eventually, I had to answer my phone. 
People tried to be supportive and nice: "You looked... umm... well, your arm looked good, Amy." 
My parents: "You looked strong, honey! Like an archer! That's what they wanted! We could tell it was you, dear. Especially by the lower half of your face." 
(They meant well.)

The commercial was so bad, it aired only 4 times. 

What an awesome experience that was.