E-HARMONY.COM

Oh dear. I'm pathetic. Another dating website? It's like shopping for a psychiatrist. You keep hoping the next one will be normal.

I received a "wink" from a guy. I clicked on his profile. He looked happy and goofy-like. It was appealing to me. I clicked on another photo of him. He was tall and handsome. Okay, this is good... I read about his lifestyle, interests, stats, etc. He's adventurous, (whatever- they all say that) loves beaches, hiking, nature, and animals. SCORE! I didn't need to go on. (I should have.)
I "winked" back.
He responded right away. (Oh my god he was on-line! Shit!)
"Do you want to have dinner with me?"
Wow. He didn't waste time. I thought about it for a second.
"Sure!"
We planned to meet at his favorite Italian restaurant the following night.  He gave me directions. I arrived on time. (Miraculous!) When I pulled into the parking lot, I saw him standing by the entrance. He looked HOT. My hands started sweating. I hoped he had a nice personality.
I got out of my car. I knew he was watching me. Weird feeling. He waved and smiled as I walked over to him. (GREAT smile.)
"Hi, I'm Dan." He said.
Was he giving me his real name on the first date?
"Hi, I'm Am-Amanda," I didn't want to give him my real name yet.
"Is it really Amanda or do you have a stutter?"
Long pause.
"Excuse me?"
He laughed. "I'm joking with you! My real name is Dave."
"Oh." I laughed. Now I was confused. Should I tell him mine? Or was he still giving me a fake name? I said, "This on-line dating thing is really awkward."
"Yes, it is." He said.
Then he gave me a big, warm hug (it was an awesome hug) and said, "Let's go inside. It's cold and your teeth are chattering."
They were? I hadn't noticed.
He opened the door for me and the hostess led us to a little table by a window. 
"Can I take your coat?" He asked me.
I was melting.
I gave him my coat and he said, "Wow."
I didn't know what to say.
"You look stunning." He said.
"I do?" What a dumb reply.
He laughed. He had a deep, sexy laugh. "Yes, you do."
This date was going well! He pulled out my chair. I sat down. We ordered drinks. He had a Sam Adams. I ordered a glass of wine. I don't like wine.
"So, you're a boxer?" He asked me. "I read it in your profile."
I was flattered he read my profile. "I like to box, but I'm not really a boxer."
"I've never dated a woman who boxed."
"Me neither," I said.
We both laughed.
I loved his teeth. He had beautiful teeth. And his lips were sweet too.
"Do you hunt?" I asked him.
He laughed again. "No, I don't kill animals and I don't eat them, either."
I almost jumped across the table and made out with him.
We talked some more. The waitress came by and we ordered pasta and salad. I couldn't believe how well things were going. This guy was too perfect. RED FLAGS. 
He starting eating his pasta. So did I. I realized it had a cream sauce instead of marina. It was supposed to be marina sauce.  I didn't care. Apparently, he did. 
"This is wrong. We ordered marinara sauce."
RED FLAG.
"That's okay, this is delicious." I said. 
"But it's WRONG. She wasn't paying attention." He said it in a loud voice.
"Who?"
"The waitress. She probably didn't graduate from High School." As he said this, he started waving his hand in the air, trying to get her attention. I was HORRIFIED.
The waitress came over. He pointed at his pasta and said, "Does that look like marina sauce to you?"
OH MY GOD! He was patronizing her! What a DOUCHEBAG!
She apologized sincerely and picked up our plates.
Then he said, "Are you going to comp our meal? We shouldn't have to pay for it."
I think my jaw dislocated when it hit the floor.
"What an ASSHOLE." Did I say that out loud? I have a habit of doing that.
"Excuse me?" He looked shocked. I guess I did say it out loud.
I suddenly became witty. "Do I stutter?"
"That's it!" He shoved himself away from the table and threw his napkin down.
It was the most RIDICULOUS thing I'd ever seen.
"You pay the bill. I have another date lined up anyway." Then he walked out of the restaurant.
The waitress and I looked at each other.
"Dating website?" She asked me.
"Yup."

I hate MEN.