Follow "AmyHasIssues" for some Laughs!




LOCKED OUT ON CHRISTMAS




It was Christmas Eve. I got a call from a resident about dog shit in the front lobby. Apparently, someone had let their dog shit in the front doorway, and left it there. The shit had been stepped in and smeared all over the place; the floor, elevators, and carpet. Someone even rolled a carriage through it. I was with my family at the time, and asked the resident if they would mind picking it up as best as they could until returned.
It was 2 am by the time I got home.  I was exhausted. I walked through the front lobby and almost puked from the smell of SHIT.
It was now Christmas Day. I thought about all of the visitors that would be coming to the mill in a few hours to enjoy the holiday with their families. I had spent WEEKS decorating because I wanted to make it look wonderful and festive for the Christmas season.
I was NOT HAPPY. 
I went upstairs to my condo so I could change. 
I took off my dress and stepped into my "SHITPANTS." (The sweatpants I wear when I have to clean up dog feces.) I threw on a hoodie and headed back to the shit-show. When the elevator door opened, I looked at the Christmas tree and smiled. It looked beautiful. The mill was quiet and peaceful as all of the little children slept, dreaming about Santa Claus and reindeer and presents... 
Then I inhaled, and nearly puked again. The smell of shit seemed to be floating in the air. Where was it? How far had it been tracked in? Which carriage rolled through it? I felt so dumb, walking down the hallway, bending over and sniffing the carpet. What a sucky way to start Christmas. I wanted to find the dog’s owner and fill their Christmas stocking with all kinds of shit- human shit, monkey shit, horse shit, pig shit- you name it.
Snapping out of my daydream, I concluded that the shit could be ANYWHERE. So, I went to the utility closet and grabbed a mop. Then I went to the trash room and filled a bucket with hot water and FABULOSO. I set my keys on the shelf next to the sink so I could use both hands to carry the mop and bucket.
I headed back, trudging along, feeling sorry for myself. I didn't even have Gypsy (my dog) to keep me company anymore. I was close to tears when I opened the front door and stepped into the exterior lobby area. I set the mop and bucket on the floor. At the exact moment I remembered I left my keys in the trash room, the door slammed shut behind me.
(Slow-motion scream, like in a movie.) "NOOOOOOO!"
It was too late. I was locked out of the mill on Christmas day. 
LONG PAUSE.
I started mopping the floor.
It was freezing in the exterior lobby. (It's not heated.) The draft blowing under the door was AWESOME. My hoodie and shitpants were keeping me warm. (JOKE) I could see my own breath. I didn't have my cell phone. WICKED AWESOME. I finished mopping the floor and then peered inside to see the clock on the wall. It was 3am. Who would be coming in or out of the mill at 3am on Christmas morning? I looked at the intercom system, trying to think of who might be awake that I could buzz to let me in. I laughed out loud. NOBODY IS AWAKE AT 3am on Christmas morning!
Of course, I tried pulling on the door a million times, as if it would magically open for me. I tried using my fingernail. DUMB. Broke it. DAMN!
I considered my options. Could the trash room window be unlocked? Or the door? Or maybe the garage doors in the back of the mill were unlocked? I went for it. The 9 degree temperature made it lots of fun.(another JOKE) The trash room was locked. FUCK. My last hope were the doors by the garage- on the other side of the mill. Oh my God. Could I really make it to the back of the mill without a coat or gloves or hat? And what if I couldn't get in? I'd have to run all the way back! (Equal to a half mile.) I went for it. DUMB. I fell halfway around the building and ripped a hole in my shitpants. When I got to the doors, they were locked. By then, I couldn't feel my face. Or my fingers. Or my ears. I thought to myself, "I could die out here!" So I fantasized about being Rambo again and ran as fast as I could back around the building. I got to the front door but my hands were useless. I had to loop my arm through the handle and pull with my neck and shoulder to open it. When I got inside, I had to defrost. I looked around at my resources. I needed something to keep me warm. Under the intercom system, I had set up a table with a Candy Cane House and Santa, on top of a red table cloth. I put the house and Santa on the floor and wrapped myself in the tablecloth. I was so exhausted all I wanted to do was sleep. I curled up in a ball on the floor but that didn't last long because the floor was like an ice-berg. There was a grocery cart by the far wall. I climbed into it and covered myself with the tablecloth. It's amazing how small I could make myself to fit in. I think I had shrunk from being frozen.
I don't remember falling asleep. I just remember the humiliation upon waking up to a resident staring at me. I had to explain about the person who left dog shit in the lobby. At least the resident was kind enough to say the lobby smelled good.



No comments: