LOCKED OUT ON CHRISTMAS
It was Christmas Eve. I got a call from a resident
about dog shit in the front lobby. Apparently, someone had let their dog shit
in the front doorway, and left it there. The shit had been stepped in and
smeared all over the place; the floor, elevators, and carpet. Someone even
rolled a carriage through it. I was with my family at the time, and asked the
resident if they would mind picking it up as best as they could until returned.
It was 2 am by the time I got home. I was
exhausted. I walked through the front lobby and almost puked from the smell of
SHIT.
It was now Christmas Day. I thought about all of the
visitors that would be coming to the mill in a few hours to enjoy the holiday
with their families. I had spent WEEKS decorating because I wanted
to make it look wonderful and festive for the Christmas season.
I was NOT HAPPY.
I went upstairs to my condo so I could change.
I took off my dress and stepped into my
"SHITPANTS." (The sweatpants I wear when I have to clean up dog
feces.) I threw on a hoodie and headed back to the shit-show. When the elevator
door opened, I looked at the Christmas tree and smiled. It looked beautiful.
The mill was quiet and peaceful as all of the little children slept, dreaming
about Santa Claus and reindeer and presents...
Then I inhaled, and nearly puked again. The smell of
shit seemed to be floating in the air. Where was it? How far had it been
tracked in? Which carriage rolled through it? I felt so dumb, walking down the
hallway, bending over and sniffing the carpet. What a sucky way to start
Christmas. I wanted to find the dog’s owner and fill their Christmas stocking
with all kinds of shit- human shit, monkey shit, horse shit, pig shit- you name
it.
Snapping out of my daydream, I concluded that the shit
could be ANYWHERE. So, I went to the utility closet and grabbed a mop. Then I
went to the trash room and filled a bucket with hot water and FABULOSO. I set
my keys on the shelf next to the sink so I could use both hands to carry the
mop and bucket.
I headed back, trudging along, feeling sorry for
myself. I didn't even have Gypsy (my dog) to keep me company anymore. I was
close to tears when I opened the front door and stepped into the exterior lobby
area. I set the mop and bucket on the floor. At the exact moment I remembered I
left my keys in the trash room, the door slammed shut behind me.
(Slow-motion scream, like in a movie.)
"NOOOOOOO!"
It was too late. I was locked out of the mill on
Christmas day.
LONG PAUSE.
I started mopping the floor.
It was freezing in the exterior lobby. (It's not
heated.) The draft blowing under the door was AWESOME. My hoodie and shitpants
were keeping me warm. (JOKE) I could see my own breath. I didn't have my cell
phone. WICKED AWESOME. I finished mopping the floor and then
peered inside to see the clock on the wall. It was 3am. Who would be coming in
or out of the mill at 3am on Christmas morning? I looked at the intercom
system, trying to think of who might be awake that I could buzz to let me in. I
laughed out loud. NOBODY IS AWAKE AT 3am on Christmas morning!
Of course, I tried pulling on the door a million
times, as if it would magically open for me. I tried using my fingernail. DUMB.
Broke it. DAMN!
I considered my options. Could the trash room window
be unlocked? Or the door? Or maybe the garage doors in the back of the mill
were unlocked? I went for it. The 9 degree temperature made it lots of
fun.(another JOKE) The trash room was locked. FUCK. My last hope were the doors
by the garage- on the other side of the mill. Oh my God. Could I really make it
to the back of the mill without a coat or gloves or hat? And what if I couldn't
get in? I'd have to run all the way back! (Equal to a half mile.) I went for
it. DUMB. I fell halfway around the building and ripped a hole in my shitpants.
When I got to the doors, they were locked. By then, I couldn't feel my face. Or
my fingers. Or my ears. I thought to myself, "I could die out here!"
So I fantasized about being Rambo again and ran as fast as I could back around
the building. I got to the front door but my hands were useless. I had to loop
my arm through the handle and pull with my neck and shoulder to open it. When I
got inside, I had to defrost. I looked around at my resources. I needed
something to keep me warm. Under the intercom system, I had set up a table with
a Candy Cane House and Santa, on top of a red table cloth. I put the house and
Santa on the floor and wrapped myself in the tablecloth. I was so exhausted all
I wanted to do was sleep. I curled up in a ball on the floor but that didn't
last long because the floor was like an ice-berg. There was a grocery cart by
the far wall. I climbed into it and covered myself with the tablecloth. It's
amazing how small I could make myself to fit in. I think I had shrunk from
being frozen.
I don't remember falling asleep. I just remember the
humiliation upon waking up to a resident staring at me. I had to explain about
the person who left dog shit in the lobby. At least the resident was kind
enough to say the lobby smelled good.
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