REMOTE CONTROLS

I HATE REMOTE CONTROLS.  Can the numbers be ANY SMALLER? Can there be ANY MORE SYMBOLS that mean NOTHING? Can the buttons be ANY CLOSER TOGETHER? Can the remote control people make it ANY MORE DIFFICULT for us to turn up the volume???
I tried to watch T.V. again, for the third time this month. People ask me, "Amy, why don't you watch T.V.?" I tell them, "BECAUSE I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO TURN IT ON!"
 "It's easy," they tell me. I want to shove their face through the screen.
The other night, I actually figured out how to turn it on. Of course, all I got was the BLUE SCREEN. "How the FUCK do I get the cable to work?" I said out loud. I looked at the remote control. It was too dark in the room to see the buttons. Why aren't they lit up? The buttons should glow in the dark. (You probably have to pay extra for that.) I should have turned on a light to see better, but the room was cold and I didn't feel like getting out of bed. I tried a bunch of different buttons. DUMB MOVE. Now the blue screen was gone. It was black. I wanted to rip my hair out. There should be an "I fucked up" button that takes you back to the beginning.  This was too much effort. No wonder I don't watch T.V. You have to be a BRAIN SURGEON to figure it out! I threw off the covers and stomped across the room to turn on a light.  I looked at the remote control again.  I still couldn't see the symbols because they're MICROSCOPIC. I pulled out a magnifying glass from my dresser drawer. I held it over the remote control. So many symbols! You need an index to decode them! Why can't it be simple? "ON, OFF, VOLUME & CHANNEL." That's all I need!
I sat there for TWENTY MINUTES trying to watch T.V.
I gave up. I was starting to age from the stress. I went downstairs and ate some chocolate. Felt better. I'll never turn on the T.V. again.

FUCK THAT SHIT.