PASSENGER FROM HELL

I was on a flight from Boston to LA. Luckily, I had a window seat. I love the window seat because I like to lean against it and fall asleep. The plane was getting ready to take off . I was excited because the seat next to me was still empty. I closed my eyes and leaned against the window, using my jacket for a pillow. I started daydreaming about sunny skies, warm weather, hiking in the mountains... Then, I heard a woman's voice at the front of the plane. It was a passenger who almost missed the flight. 

"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" She said, out of breath, as she wiped sweat from her forehead. 

I kept my eyes shut, praying she would pass me. Suddenly, I felt the seat next to me move a little bit. 

"FUCK!" I said to myself.  I cracked opened one eye, to see a woman trying to shove her "carry-on" luggage in the overhead compartment. ("Carry-on" my ASS. It was a suitcase bigger than my CAR.) 

"Hi sweety!" She said. 

I opened my eyes. Spit came shooting out of her mouth and landed on the seat cushion.

"They almost closed the doors on me!" She said, really loud, as if I was deaf or something. Her arms were full of "stuff" as she jammed herself into the seat. Then she rummaged around for like, a YEAR, looking for her seat-belt. 

"Are you sure you don't have mine, honey?" She started feeling around her seat, and then under it. 
"I can't seem to find it." She said. "You must be wearing mine."

She reached over and slid her hand UNDER MY THIGH, feeling around for a seat-belt.

WTF??

"Excuse me," I said to her. "Yours is right there." 
I pulled her hand out of my crotch and pointed to the belt hanging off the edge of her seat.

"Right! Thanks!" She said, spitting after every word.

I tried not to feel annoyed, but I was. I almost had an empty seat next to me!  
I faked a yawn, closed my eyes, and leaned against the window. 

"She'll leave me alone if I sleep." I thought to myself. 

 A few moments passed. Then I heard a rustling sound. A paper bag. The sweaty woman was rummaging through a paper bag in her lap. 

"FUCK." I said to myself. (Again.) "Don't let it be a banana or a peanut butter sandwich."
(I'm not saying I don't love bananas or peanut butter sandwiches, but to smell them on an airplane? GAG) 

I watched her pull something out of the bag. 

A TUNA FISH SANDWICH. 

(MOMENT OF SILENCE)

I knew at that moment I was sitting next to the PASSENGER FROM HELL.