REFURBISHED

I used to have a brand new phone. But then it started sending texts to random people in the middle of the night. (Which really pissed them off.) It also started to freeze every few hours and turn itself on and off. Then it started to read my in-coming texts out loud!  That was really awkward. I brought it back to the store to return it for another one. It had only been 15 days since my purchase.

ME: Hi. I bought a phone here two weeks ago, but there's something wrong with it. I'd like to return it for another one.
EMPLOYEE: Well let me take a look at it.
The employee takes my phone and plays around with it for ten minutes. Suddenly it turns itself off.
EMPLOYEE: Hmmm... I've never seen this before.
ME: Me neither. Can I just get a new one? I'm on a lunch break.
EMPLOYEE: I can give you a "loaner" while we send this one out to be fixed.
ME: No thank you, I don't want a "loaner." I want a new phone to replace the one I just bought.
EMPLOYEE: Sure, no problem. We'll fed-ex it overnight. When you receive it, send the other one back. It's easy. The instructions come with it.
ME: Too much hassle. I'll just take one of those.
I pointed to all of the new phones in the store.
EMPLOYEE: I can't give you one of those, but you will get a new, refurbished one.
ME: What the hell is "refurbished?"
EMPLOYEE: "Refurbished" means someone returned it because they didn't like the color or the model. There's nothing wrong with the phone. The company does a series of tests on each phone to ensure they work perfectly.
ME: Oh my God- do they make you say that? That's the most RIDICULOUS thing I've ever heard.
I looked at the clock on the wall. My lunch break was already over.
ME: You know what? Forget it. Just give me back my $550. I'm going to buy a different kind of phone. Can you hurry a bit please? I'm sorry, I'm already late getting back to work.
EMPLOYEE: I'm sorry miss, but you've had the phone for more than 14 days.  We will give you a new, refurbished one. 
A few moments of silence.
ME: I've had it for 15 days. 
EMPLOYEE: Which, when I last checked, is one day more than 14. 
Another few moments of silence. 
I looked at the employees name-tag. "Richard."
ME: Look Richard- or should I call you Dick? It suits you better. First of all, lose the attitude. Don't be disrespectful and condescending. Second- stop giving me the run-around. You sold me a poor quality product. I paid $550 for a phone that doesn't work.  I want a new one. THIRD- I'm going to lose my cool if you associate the word "new" with "refurbished" one more time.
DICK: I'm sorry miss. I don't have the authority to give you a new phone.
ME: I tell you what, Dick. Why don't you give me your wallet? I'll take $550 from it so you can see what it feels like.
DICK: Miss, I'm not giving you my wallet. I promise you, the phone you'll be getting is a new, refurbish-
ME: I said don't associate the word "new" with "refurbished!" "Refurbished" means, "USED PIECE OF SHIT."
DICK: Calm down, Miss.
ME: Did you just tell me to "calm down?" I hate when someone tells me to calm down. DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! Why should I be calm when I'm getting FUCKED UP THE ASS by a DICK? 
A young couple walked into the store. I looked at Dick. He looked at me.
The couple walked toward us. They were having a discussion about phones.
WOMAN: I don't know if I should get the Android or the iphone.
MAN: I like my iphone. I've never had an Android.
ME: I have an Android.
The couple looked at me.
WOMAN: Do you like it?
I laughed. It was a maniacal laugh, like Tom Hanks in the MONEY PIT.
ME: Why don't you ask DICK? He sold it to me.
There was a moment of silence as Dick quietly shit himself. 

The flames were shooting out of my head. I wanted to punch him. I thought about anger management and took a few deep breaths. Then I managed to exit the store before I changed my mind and fired a left hook across his jaw.  I went back that night and put a sign in front of the Verizon store. It said, "BUY A PHONE HERE- IF YOU WANT DICK TO FUCK YOU UP THE ASS."

No I didn't. But I wanted to.