RESTROOM STOP
I had an audition for an independent film. It was for the lead role; a tough, biker-chic seeking revenge on a man who killed her mother. There were stunts involved, and some great fight scenes. I WANTED this role.
On my way to the casting studio I stopped at STARBUCKS for a large iced mocha latte and a bottled water. I chugged the coffee down in two minutes.
It was a hot day, at least 90 degrees. I got stuck in traffic. Guzzled the bottle of water. Suddenly I had to pee. BAD. I was in gridlock on the freeway. I had to get off at the next exit. It was a bad neighborhood. I didn't care. I needed to find a bathroom.
I went to a Shell gas station across the street.
"Do you have a bathroom?" I asked the cashier.
"You get gas?" He said in broken English.
"No, I just need to use the restroom."
"Toilet for customer only."
I hate when they say that.
"Fine. I'll buy some gum on my way out, ok?"
"No, you buy gum now, then use bathroom."
What an asshole.
I bought a pack of BIG RED. I didn't even know they still made BIG RED.
The attendant gave me a key tied to a coat hanger. "Outside to back. Door inside."
I hurried to the back of the station. There was another building attached to the garage. I opened the door and walked down a long hallway. This couldn't be right? What did he say again? I kept walking, around a corner and down another hallway. Where was the damn bathroom? I was about to turn around when I saw a door handle sticking out of the wall. It looked like a trick door- something you'd see in a movie. I unlocked it with the key and opened it. I gagged. It was DISGUSTING. Oh my GOD. I was totally grossed out but I was about to pee my pants so I shut the door and tried not to touch anything while I used the toilet. I rinsed my hands (of course there was no soap) and tried to open the door to get out. It was locked. Where's the lever to unlock it? There wasn't one. Just a keyhole. I tried the key. It wouldn't go in. Someone had jammed the keyhole. OH MY GOD I WAS LOCKED IN. I started to panic. At least I had my cell phone! I looked in my purse but couldn't find it. Then I remembered I left it in the car to charge the battery. I banged on the door and yelled as loud as I could. Nobody heard me. I was going to miss my audition. The stench in the bathroom was making me sick. I looked around. There was a small window above the toilet. The only way to reach it was to stand on the toilet seat and hoist myself up to the top of the stall. There was shit on the walls and the floor. I doubted I could fit through the window. I broke down and cried. I lost track of time. Had it been an hour? Two? It felt like 24. I was getting hysterical. I had to calm down. My therapist told me to take ten deep breaths when I felt an anxiety attack coming on... it worked. I felt better. Then, SURVIVAL MODE kicked in...
I would go for the window.
First I had to take my heels off. (I was wearing a dress and heels for the audition- AWESOME.) This was a nasty moment. I had to walk barefoot on the bathroom floor. I gagged again. Now I had to step on the toilet seat in order to reach the top of the stall. I counted to 3 and attempted to hoist myself up but it was too high. I fell back down, my foot slipped on the toilet seat and I ended up stepping in the toilet. I almost puked. But I had to try again. It's amazing what you can do when you have no other options. I hoisted myself up a second time, and was able to pull myself on top of the stall. The window was smaller than I thought. Bugs and cobwebs and dirt were caked around the edges of the window pane. I cringed. I tried to push myself through the opening. My head and neck got through, but my shoulders were too big. I tried to shove myself through anyway, and ended up getting my hair caught on the window latch. It got all twisted and knotted and my arm was stuck underneath me so I was unable to move. My head was halfway out the window. I looked at the dead grass and dirt in front of my face. It freaked me out. It was a hot day. I knew the cockroaches were waiting, hiding, somewhere in the grass and probably in the walls all around me. I tried to hold my head up, to avoid touching the dirt but the panic was setting in. I tried squeezing my shoulders through again but my hair kept getting more and more tangled and now I couldn't move at all.
"SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. It was useless. I was doomed.
I heard the bathroom door open. THANK GOD!
"Please help me!" I begged. I couldn't see the person who entered because my head was stuck outside the window.
"Oh my God? What the fuck?" It was a female's voice.
This was humiliating.
"How long have you been stuck in the window?" She asked.
I was annoyed.
"TOO LONG!" I said. "Could you help me get down? My hair is caught on the window latch and my arm won't budge."
"Wow. That sucks. I can't believe you're stuck in a window."
I didn't want to have a conversation about it!
"Can you PLEASE GET ME OUT?!"
"I can't reach that high- I'll get the cashier."
I wanted to DIE.
A few minutes later, an ENTOURAGE of people were in the bathroom. All they could see was my ASS sticking out. (I regretted wearing a DRESS for the audition.) They were all trying to figure out how to get me out of the window.
I suggested someone GO OUTSIDE and untangle my hair, then push me back in. A minute later, the cashier appeared above me. He was trying not to laugh. I wanted to punch him.
He tried to untangle my hair but it was all knotted and weaved into the window latch. I yelped each time he pulled. We had no choice. It would have to be cut. The cashier left and returned with a BOX CUTTER.
"You don't have scissors?!" I asked him.
He didn't. I had no choice. I told him to do it. OF COURSE, the blade was dull and it hurt like HELL- I felt like Ponyboy in THE OUTSIDERS when Johnny had to cut his hair to disguise themselves. I winced as he ripped and pulled and finally set me free. A huge chunk of my hair was gone. Why did I always find myself in these weird FREAKISH situations? Now I had a huge bald spot above my ear. I was balling my eyes out as I jumped in my car and sped to the audition.
I parked illegally and ran into the casting studio. A dozen other actors were sitting in the waiting area. I hurried over to the secretary. She looked me up and down. I was dirty and sweaty and had a huge bald spot above my ear.
"Hi, my name is Amy Wade, I'm here for an audition."
"What was your appointment time?"
"Um, 12:30, I'm a little late."
She looked at me in a condescending manner.
"It's one o'clock. You're a half hour late."
"I know, I'm very sorry." How could I tell her I got stuck in a bathroom? "I ran into some problems. You wouldn't believe it if I told you." I said in a lighthearted way, trying to gain her sympathy.
"No, I wouldn't. You may go now."
"Thank you!" I couldn't believe it! They were going to take me right away! I headed toward the casting door.
"Where do you think you're going?" The secretary called out to me.
"To audition- you said I could go now."
She waited a moment, then smiled. "I meant, leave the building."
I stood there, feeling like a total HEEL, wishing I could melt through the floor. The actors in the waiting area looked at me in shame and disgust.
When I got back to my car there was a ticket on my windshield. That was awesome. Then my "new" agent called to see how the audition went. I told him what happened. He said I should have come up with a better story. Getting stuck in a bathroom was the lamest excuse he'd ever heard. He told me to find another agent.
I drove home, totally defeated. "Why me?" I asked myself.
The voice in my head replied, "Because being you SUCKS."
I hurried to the back of the station. There was another building attached to the garage. I opened the door and walked down a long hallway. This couldn't be right? What did he say again? I kept walking, around a corner and down another hallway. Where was the damn bathroom? I was about to turn around when I saw a door handle sticking out of the wall. It looked like a trick door- something you'd see in a movie. I unlocked it with the key and opened it. I gagged. It was DISGUSTING. Oh my GOD. I was totally grossed out but I was about to pee my pants so I shut the door and tried not to touch anything while I used the toilet. I rinsed my hands (of course there was no soap) and tried to open the door to get out. It was locked. Where's the lever to unlock it? There wasn't one. Just a keyhole. I tried the key. It wouldn't go in. Someone had jammed the keyhole. OH MY GOD I WAS LOCKED IN. I started to panic. At least I had my cell phone! I looked in my purse but couldn't find it. Then I remembered I left it in the car to charge the battery. I banged on the door and yelled as loud as I could. Nobody heard me. I was going to miss my audition. The stench in the bathroom was making me sick. I looked around. There was a small window above the toilet. The only way to reach it was to stand on the toilet seat and hoist myself up to the top of the stall. There was shit on the walls and the floor. I doubted I could fit through the window. I broke down and cried. I lost track of time. Had it been an hour? Two? It felt like 24. I was getting hysterical. I had to calm down. My therapist told me to take ten deep breaths when I felt an anxiety attack coming on... it worked. I felt better. Then, SURVIVAL MODE kicked in...
I would go for the window.
First I had to take my heels off. (I was wearing a dress and heels for the audition- AWESOME.) This was a nasty moment. I had to walk barefoot on the bathroom floor. I gagged again. Now I had to step on the toilet seat in order to reach the top of the stall. I counted to 3 and attempted to hoist myself up but it was too high. I fell back down, my foot slipped on the toilet seat and I ended up stepping in the toilet. I almost puked. But I had to try again. It's amazing what you can do when you have no other options. I hoisted myself up a second time, and was able to pull myself on top of the stall. The window was smaller than I thought. Bugs and cobwebs and dirt were caked around the edges of the window pane. I cringed. I tried to push myself through the opening. My head and neck got through, but my shoulders were too big. I tried to shove myself through anyway, and ended up getting my hair caught on the window latch. It got all twisted and knotted and my arm was stuck underneath me so I was unable to move. My head was halfway out the window. I looked at the dead grass and dirt in front of my face. It freaked me out. It was a hot day. I knew the cockroaches were waiting, hiding, somewhere in the grass and probably in the walls all around me. I tried to hold my head up, to avoid touching the dirt but the panic was setting in. I tried squeezing my shoulders through again but my hair kept getting more and more tangled and now I couldn't move at all.
"SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. It was useless. I was doomed.
I heard the bathroom door open. THANK GOD!
"Please help me!" I begged. I couldn't see the person who entered because my head was stuck outside the window.
"Oh my God? What the fuck?" It was a female's voice.
This was humiliating.
"How long have you been stuck in the window?" She asked.
I was annoyed.
"TOO LONG!" I said. "Could you help me get down? My hair is caught on the window latch and my arm won't budge."
"Wow. That sucks. I can't believe you're stuck in a window."
I didn't want to have a conversation about it!
"Can you PLEASE GET ME OUT?!"
"I can't reach that high- I'll get the cashier."
I wanted to DIE.
A few minutes later, an ENTOURAGE of people were in the bathroom. All they could see was my ASS sticking out. (I regretted wearing a DRESS for the audition.) They were all trying to figure out how to get me out of the window.
I suggested someone GO OUTSIDE and untangle my hair, then push me back in. A minute later, the cashier appeared above me. He was trying not to laugh. I wanted to punch him.
He tried to untangle my hair but it was all knotted and weaved into the window latch. I yelped each time he pulled. We had no choice. It would have to be cut. The cashier left and returned with a BOX CUTTER.
"You don't have scissors?!" I asked him.
He didn't. I had no choice. I told him to do it. OF COURSE, the blade was dull and it hurt like HELL- I felt like Ponyboy in THE OUTSIDERS when Johnny had to cut his hair to disguise themselves. I winced as he ripped and pulled and finally set me free. A huge chunk of my hair was gone. Why did I always find myself in these weird FREAKISH situations? Now I had a huge bald spot above my ear. I was balling my eyes out as I jumped in my car and sped to the audition.
I parked illegally and ran into the casting studio. A dozen other actors were sitting in the waiting area. I hurried over to the secretary. She looked me up and down. I was dirty and sweaty and had a huge bald spot above my ear.
"Hi, my name is Amy Wade, I'm here for an audition."
"What was your appointment time?"
"Um, 12:30, I'm a little late."
She looked at me in a condescending manner.
"It's one o'clock. You're a half hour late."
"I know, I'm very sorry." How could I tell her I got stuck in a bathroom? "I ran into some problems. You wouldn't believe it if I told you." I said in a lighthearted way, trying to gain her sympathy.
"No, I wouldn't. You may go now."
"Thank you!" I couldn't believe it! They were going to take me right away! I headed toward the casting door.
"Where do you think you're going?" The secretary called out to me.
"To audition- you said I could go now."
She waited a moment, then smiled. "I meant, leave the building."
I stood there, feeling like a total HEEL, wishing I could melt through the floor. The actors in the waiting area looked at me in shame and disgust.
When I got back to my car there was a ticket on my windshield. That was awesome. Then my "new" agent called to see how the audition went. I told him what happened. He said I should have come up with a better story. Getting stuck in a bathroom was the lamest excuse he'd ever heard. He told me to find another agent.
I drove home, totally defeated. "Why me?" I asked myself.
The voice in my head replied, "Because being you SUCKS."
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