NAKED MAN WITH A CAMERA

I had an audition for a reality show. I was supposed to be a reporter or a hostess or something of the sort. The breakdown was evasive, but it paid $5000 and sounded like fun. It was a show about mail-order brides. I would be flown to other countries to interview the brides. When they arrived in America, a camera crew would film the initial greetings and remain with them through the wedding ceremony.


The audition was in Bel Air.  I was weary because it was a private home. It was a mansion surrounded by a stone wall; very obscure and a bit daunting. I pressed a button at the gate and it automatically opened. I walked into a paradise of flowers, waterfalls and palm trees. It looked like a picture from a magazine. The front door was HUGE. I remember feeling uneasy- something wasn't right. I was about to turn around when the door opened. A man came out and greeted me with a hug? That was weird. I didn't know how to react so I didn't. (In retrospect, I wish I had kneed him in the balls) 


He invited me inside and asked me if I wanted a glass of wine. Even weirder. I asked if he was joking and he laughed and said, "Loosen up, girl! This is more like an interview than an audition. I want you to be relaxed and comfortable." 
I said no thank you and asked if we could move things along because I had another audition to go to.
He poured himself a glass of wine and led me into his living room. There was a camera set up on a tripod.


He sat down on a chair next to the camera and told me to sit on the couch. "What interests you about this project?" He said. 
I replied, "Well, at this point, not much."  
"Why is that?" He asked.
I paused, then said,  "You're drinking a glass of wine."
He responded with, "That offends you?" 


What an idiot. 


I was irritated. This was a waste of my  time. If I hadn't been in LA for fifteen years I might have been naive and gone along with it. But I wasn't naive.


"Yes." I said.
"I'm sorry. Let me get rid of this and grab a water instead." He hurried out of the room before I could respond. 


I checked my surroundings. Which way did we come? The place was huge. Doors were everywhere. I couldn't remember which door we came in. I started to get nervous. This was not a good situation. Where the fuck did he go? I wanted to leave. I stood up. 


"I'm coming!" I heard his voice from another room. 


Suddenly he appeared. HE WAS NAKED. 


"What the FUCK?" I said.


"I want you to give me a massage. This will tell me if you're open-minded and comfortable in all situations."


I was speechless. THERE WAS A NAKED MAN STANDING IN FRONT OF ME and he was asking for a MASSAGE. Gross! He didn't even have a decent size penis. This was FUCKED UP. Why do these things always happen to me?  I stood there for a few moments before I could respond.


"You're NAKED." I said. Hearing it out loud made it sink in deeper. 


"Yes, you noticed." He tried to crack a joke, standing there, naked.


I switched from being nervous to PISSED OFF in like, 2 seconds. He walked toward me.


"IF YOU COME NEAR ME I'M GOING TO KICK YOU IN THE BALLS SO FUCKING HARD YOU WILL NEVER WALK AGAIN."  My adrenaline was racing. I looked at the door behind him. That must be the way back to the entrance. 


The pervert spoke again. "I'm sorry I offended you. Don't leave, I'll put my clothes back on and we can talk."


I looked him in the eyes and saw a sick, twisted pervert looking back at me. 


"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!"  I screamed and lunged forward, shoving him as hard as I could to get by. It was a good, HARD shove. He tripped backwards  and fell over a glass coffee table, hitting his head on a bronze statue of a lion. I don't know if it knocked him out. I didn't stop to check. I found the front door and sprinted to my car. I was shaking. I sat there for a minute to catch my breath and calm down. I was still angry and wished I had done more to maim him. Then I wondered if he had a gun. He might come out and try to shoot me. I sped away and called the cops on my way home. I never found out what happened to him. I didn't give the cops my personal information because honestly, I didn't want to deal with it. The image of a naked man falling  over a table and hitting his head on a bronze statue was gross enough.