HOLLYWOOD CASTING COUCH

The year was 2009. It started off like SHIT and remained FULL OF SHIT until the very end, when it became ONE BIG PILE OF SHIT. I got a call from a casting director regarding a film I'd submitted for. He wanted me to audition for the lead role. It was a low-budget, independent project. (not a shocker) I read the script and liked it. Some of the scenes had partial nudity, but nothing raunchy or inappropriate.

The audition went well. The director called me back and said he liked my audition. He asked me to come in again. This time, I met the writer and the producer. I gave another reading. They were very enthusiastic. I went home and felt excited for the first time in months. A few hours later the director called me. He said I was his first pick, but the producer was interested in another actress. "He likes blondes." He said. That sort of creeped me out, but I brushed it off.  He told me there was a party I should go to. The producer would be there and it was a good chance for me to meet him and hopefully impress him enough to cast me instead of the other girl.

I am skeptical of Hollywood film parties. I don't like self-centered, pretentious people, and there is always the potential for casting couch propositions. Still, I had to go. I couldn't  miss an opportunity to be the lead in a film.

I took my friend, Dan, with me. He is a retired bounty hunter. I always felt safe when he was with me. The party was in Hollywood Hills at one of those mansions built into the side of a cliff. The foundation rests on stilts that look like they could snap if too many people were in the house.

I gave my name to the doorman. He let us in. The place was crowded with beautiful men and women.  Dan told me to relax and have fun. He left me for a few minutes to get us both a drink.

"Hey you!" A voice called from behind me.

I turned around.

"How are you?" A tall, skinny guy asked me. I had no idea who he was. I hate when that happens.

"I'm sorry, do I know you from somewhere?"  I didn't recognize him at all.

"No! I was just saying hi because I couldn't resist your beautiful smile!"

GAG ME. Yuck. What a lame pick up. This is why I hate parties. Ugh. Where was Dan?

"I'm sorry, I need to use the restroom." I walked away before he could say anything else.

"Amy Wade!" I heard my name being called. It was the director. I felt so important! He rushed over to me and gave me a "Hollywood Hug." A long, dramatic embrace, like we'd known each other for ten years. 

He pulled me closer to him. "So listen, one of our investors is here... Unfortunately, he also favors blondes. You need to put on a good show to win him over. It's gonna be a tough sell, but I have faith in you."

I felt nervous as hell. I hated Hollywood games. But it's part of the business.

"What do you want me to do?" I asked.

"Impress him. Do whatever you have to do- just land the part. He's at the bar talking to the blonde actress."

I looked in the direction of the bar. The blonde chic was DROP-DEAD gorgeous. I was all done. I had nothing on this girl. The director looked at me. "Don't sell yourself short. You can do it. He's alone now. Go do your thing."

I felt like my knees were going to buckle. I hesitated, took a deep breath, and headed over to the empty seat next to him. When I sat down, he turned and looked at me. He was NASTY. He was big and hairy and sweaty. I almost gagged. I introduced myself and shook his hand. It was wet and clammy. I stifled another gag reflex. He didn't let go of my hand right away. That bothered me.

"So, you must be Amy Wade." He said with a thick middle eastern accent. Was he Arabic? Iranian? Indian? I couldn't tell. "How bad do you want this role?"

Oh boy. Here we go. RED FLAGS. This situation had serious potential for a CASTING COUCH PROPOSITION. 

I was PISSED. Another let-down. I hated his guts and wanted to string him along like he did me. 

I leaned forward, exposing my (fake) cleavage and whispered into his nasty, hairy ear, "Bad enough to do almost anything..."

I wished I hadn't said that. The Investor was looking at me with such intensity I felt like I was naked. It was extremely uncomfortable. He licked his lips. His tongue was gross and slimy. He grabbed my hand and slipped something into it. 
It was a hotel key.  I looked up and saw Dan walking toward us with two drinks in his hands. 

Before I could say anything, Dan stepped in between me and the Investor..

"Hey baby girl! Took me forever to find you!"  He handed me a drink.

"Thanks, Dan." I said.  "Have you met the film's Investor? His name is HAIRY, NASTY, SCUMBAG."

Dan held out his hand to the Investor. "Hello Hairy Nasty Scumbag. I'm Dan. Will I need to kick your ass tonight?"  

I love Dan. He is so direct and matter-of-fact.

The Investor stood up. "Get the fuck out or I'll have you escorted out."

 "No need." I said. "We're leaving. Here's your hotel key." I threw it at him. "You might as well go play with yourself." 

 

Dan and I left. On the ride home we had a few chuckles about it, but I was bummed out.
Damn the Hollywood Casting Couch.