HOT FLASHES

I hate hot flashes. So, I'm at a Christmas party and everyone is mingling and talking, having a great time. It's a cold winter night so most of the people are wearing turtleneck sweaters and flannel shirts and long sleeve dresses. I'm standing with some of the guests and one of them is telling a story when suddenly, I feel it coming.
 A HOT FLASH. 

"NOOOO! NOT NOW!" I scream inside my head.

My body starts to heat up like a sauna. It feels like someone turned up the thermostat to 1000 degrees. Beads of sweat appear instantly on my forehead. A small pool of water is forming on my upper lip and if I blink my eyebrows are going to turn into waterfalls. All I want to do is get outside, rip off my clothes and jump into a snowbank. (Too bad I wore ugly underwear and a mis-matched bra.) I didn't want to walk away in the middle of the person's story so I stand there and "blot" my face with my sleeve. Of course, my make-up is running and now there's a make-up stain on my shirt. The sweat reappears as soon as I wipe it off.

A gorgeous twenty-something blonde is standing next to me. She tells me my eyebrows are full of water.

"Really?" I say, embarrassed. "Uh, thanks for telling me." 

"Is it sweat?" She asks me. 

What a bitch.

"No- I'm having a pool party on my forehead."

She looks confused.

"I'm kidding you dumb slut." I say. (No I didn't but I thought about it.) 

"Yes, I'm sweating." I tell her.

"Oh." She made a grossed out expression. "Wow. You sweat a lot."

"Well, it's really hot in here." I say, getting defensive.

"No it's not. I'm freezing," she says, and hugs herself.  Suddenly, I notice she's wearing a fur scarf. I'm trying to figure out if it's faux fur or real fur and I'm thinking to myself, if it's real fur I'm going to slam her head into the China cabinet behind us. But I can't figure it out and at this point my whole body is on FIRE so I shove her out of my way (no I didn't but I thought about it) and headed to the front door to get outside. Unbenownst to me, someone had spilled a glass of wine on the marble tile in the foyer and nobody wiped it up and of course I didn't see it and now I was running toward the door and I slipped in the puddle of wine and started falling backwards- it was in slow-motion as I grabbed the corner of a big wooden coat stand (which was already overloaded with coats) and the whole thing started coming down and then the slow-motion ended as I hit the floor and everything crashed on top of me. The room went silent. I couldn't see anything because there were a hundred coats on top of me, as well as the stand. 

"Oh my God! Is she okay?" I heard someone say.

"There's a person under there?" Another voice asked.

"Yeah. Some girl was sweating and tried to run outside but she slipped on the floor and broke the coat stand." It was the blonde's voice. "Oh my God- did she get wine on my coat? It will stain!"

WTF? Did she really just say that?!

Someone else came into the room. "Is someone going to help her?"
The blonde was fishing through the pile of coats, which were covering me. 
"Where is my fucking coat?" She was frantic.
I reached my hand up and grabbed her wrist. She screamed. I sat up. 
"Let go of me!" She pulled her arm out of my grasp. 
"Help me up you slutty bitch!" I said. (Okay, I left out slutty bitch.)
She hesitated, then reached out her hand. Then she pulled it back again.
"Wait- are you still sweating?" She asked me.
I wanted to DIE.

I wanted to punch her in the face, too. But instead I turned around and walked out the door. 

HOT FLASHES SUCK.
But bitches suck more.