MENOPAUSE

I HATE GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE.
First of all, who put "men" in the word menopause? That's like rubbing salt in a wound. Screw men. They have it so easy.

I started menopause when I turned FORTY. How is this possible?  I'm not old enough to start going through it!

But wait- apparently, I am.

"Early on-set" menopause, they call it.

Awesome. 

I've been told it can last anywhere from one to TEN years.

(Long pause.)

TEN YEARS?!!!!! WTF? Was God in a fight with Mary when he created women? Did she piss him off or something? Damn it Mary!

(Religious people- don't get all offended. It's a joke.)

Menopause is a BLAST. I'm having the time of my life. I love getting period cramps that bring me to my knees and cause me to shout obscenities like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. I also love getting migraine headaches. It's really cool when your head feels like it's stuck in a vice and someone is blowing a trumpet in your ear while a car alarm is going off in your living room. I also love INSOMNIA. It feels like there's a group therapy session going on in my head but I'm the only one there. And since I'm Bi-Polar, my brain fucks with me and starts going off in all different directions, racing against time, even though I have plenty of time because I'm in bed trying to sleep. I start dwelling on all the shitty things in the world like factory farms and animal laboratories and zoos and circuses' and puppy mills and all of the evil shit that makes me crazy and depressed.  Then I start thinking about earthquakes and plane crashes and pollution and drowning and being stuck on a deserted island or falling out of a plane and surviving but becoming a quadraplegic and...  I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP DAMMIT! So I start watching youtube videos and of course, I accidentally click on "SAVE THE ANIMALS"and images of cows and pigs being tortured makes me start balling my eyes out and then I want to find the people who do this and MAIM THEM. I have all sorts of ideas...
Wait- where was I? I forgot what I was talking about.

I HATE MENOPAUSE.