PIZZA WITH KID ROCK


I had an audition for a Miller Lite commercial. It went well. They wanted to see me again. My agent was thrilled. I was SHITTING MY PANTS- imagine booking a principal role in a MILLER LITE commercial? They told my agent it was between me and one other girl. The deciding factor would be our hair color. No joke. I'm a brunette- she was a blonde. My agent said they were waiting to see who was cast as the male principal in the spot. If he had dark hair, they'd go with me. Otherwise they would cast the blonde chic.
I waited two agonizing days... I hadn't booked a job in a YEAR, let alone a NATIONAL SPOT- the MONEY IS OUTRAGEOUS for national beer commercials. I was already planning my next vacation... a new apartment, new clothes, maybe a new car... (okay, maybe the new car was pushin' it)


I didn't get the spot. The blonde girl was cast and I was devastated. It gets worse. They called back my agent and said I could be an "extra" in the commercial if I wanted to... OH PLEASE THAT'S LIKE A SLAP IN THE FACE.
Of course I said yes.
I showed up on the set feeling deflated and sorry for myself. It was going to be a long night. This was a big commercial shoot. There were hundreds of "extra's" milling around, waiting to be told what to do. KID ROCK was the star of the commercial. It took place in a huge field with a bon-fire pit. They herded the background actors underneath a cheap tent where we waited for several hours before the shoot began. The wardrobe people handed out hats and sunglasses and other accessories for us to wear. They gave me a big  cowboy hat. I liked it. It made me feel cool.
KID ROCK finally showed up. He was a little tipsy. The director was stressing out and trying to organize the shot. The assistants were pushing and pulling us in every direction- "you go there- no I said over there! You! In the cowboy hat! Come here!"  I rushed over to my position and was handed a beer. "DON'T TOUCH IT!" The assistant snarled. "The beer cans must never touch your lips- it's illegal to show people drinking alcoholic beverages in a commercial."  I knew that already! DUH! It wasn't like I'd just stepped off the bus and it was my first time being an "extra!"
"You- with the cowboy hat! Are you listening? I said come over HERE!"
Ugh. How embarrassing. I hate getting yelled at.  I did what I was told- I stood in front of the bon fire pit and waited for further direction. KID ROCK was sitting in a limousine, drinking beer with his co-stars, including the blonde BITCH. (She wasn't really a bitch, I was just jealous.) Without thinking, I took a swig of my beer. 
"JESUS CHRIST! Cowboy Hat- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" It was the assistant's voice. I was mortified. "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. It was an accident, I swear..."
He gave me a look that could have burned a hole through my skull.
"Don't do it again, Cowboy Hat, or you're going home." The assistant walked away. I was ashamed of myself.  I didn't like the cowboy hat anymore.
When the director yelled "ACTION," we were all supposed to start dancing. There was no music. It feels really DUMB when you're dancing without music. Plus, I have no rhythm. I looked like a total LOSER with my stupid cowboy hat and my lame dancing skills.
The director had a mega phone and was yelling out instructions to everyone. He said a black stretch limousine would pull up to the fire pit. The doors would open and KID ROCK was supposed to step out of the limo, followed by two of his band members, the male principal actor, and, you guessed it- the blonde chic. All I kept thinking was how much my life SUCKED. Instead of riding in a limo with KID ROCK, I was getting yelled at for being a low-life "extra."
After the KID and his posse stepped out of the limo, we were supposed to continue dancing, and laughing, pretending to talk to each other while holding our Miller Lite beer cans. We did twelve takes for this one shot. KID ROCK was hammered. He kept missing his mark and falling all over the place. I thought he was funny. The director didn't.  In the next shot, a PIZZA DELIVERY GUY would show up with pizza and hand out the boxes to random extras. Everyone was supposed to eat the pizza and continue dancing to no music.
The director yelled "ACTION!"  The pizza delivery guy stepped out of his van holding a stack of pizza, 15 boxes high. 
It happened so fast I never knew what hit me.  I was looking across the bon fire pit, at the other extras, when suddenly their expressions changed and their eyes grew wide and they were looking at something above and behind me.
KID ROCK had grabbed the pizza boxes and thrown them into the air. They landed on my head- still stacked.  I was knocked out cold. I woke up in complete darkness. (The cowboy hat was shoved over my eyes and face.) The director yelled "CUT!" A bunch of people came running over to me. They pulled off the cowboy hat and asked me if I was okay. (I wasn't.) Of course, I told them I was fine, just a little dizzy. I was humiliated beyond words.
We resumed shooting immediately. The cowboy hat was dented so they gave me another one. The rest of the shoot lasted 7 hours. I could barely stand when it was over.
As I walked toward the tent to return the cowboy hat, the blonde chic approached me. She said, "KID ROCK wants you to go into his trailer. Follow me."
I followed her to the "VIP" trailers and she opened the door. A cloud of smoke billowed out. I think I got high from it. "Are you Amy?" I heard KID ROCK'S voice from inside. "He knew my NAME?!" I thought to myself.
"Amy! Come in!  Have a beer! I feel bad- I threw pizza on your head. I'm really sorry."
I couldn't believe I was in KID ROCK'S trailer, let alone receiving an apology from him. "What a cool shit," I thought to myself.
If I didn't feel like I'd been run over by a BUS, I would've jumped at the chance to hang out with KID ROCK and his posse. But I was in so much pain, I felt like I was going to puke and the last thing I wanted to do was puke in KID ROCK'S trailer.
He apologized several more times and insisted I stay for a bit, but I politely declined. He was so damn nice I wanted to make out with him. Too bad I couldn't move my neck or head. I made it to my car just in time. I puked in the parking lot. Then I drove home wondering why stupid shit like this always happens to me.