GOT CHEEZE-IT'S?

I'm in my car, driving to an audition for a CHEEZE-ITS commercial. I'm stressing out because I just hit a wall of traffic. I slam my head against the steering wheel in frustration.

ME: "FUCK!"

A car honks behind me. I'm pissed.

ME: "WHAT?!!" I look in my rear-view mirror and throw my hands up. "WE'RE NOT MOVING!"

The driver gives me the finger. I contemplate getting out of my car to PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE, but decide against it. Finally, cars begin to move. I take a secret shortcut along Mulholland Drive and arrive at the casting studio with ten minutes to spare. I'm psyched. I pull into the parking lot. An attendant approaches my car.

ATTENDANT: "What are you doing?"

ME: "I'm here for an audition. Where should I park?"

ATTENDANT: "Not here. No actors allowed to park here. Read the sign."
The attendant points to a large fluorescent orange sign that reads: ABSOLUTELY NO ACTOR PARKING IN THIS LOT. YOU WILL BE FINED AND TOWED AT YOUR OWN EXPENSE.

ME: "That is so MESSED UP. Now I'm going to be late. Can you help me?"

ATTENDANT: "Sure! You can park six blocks east, in the residential district, but watch the signs- they can be tricky. Or, if you're really lucky, there are meters on the street. But they only take quarters, and it's 15 minute parking only. I recommend parking six blocks east."

ME: "OH MY GOD I'm screwed."

The parking attendant leans into my window. 

ATTENDANT: "Unless of course, you have cash."

ME: "Really?! Yes! Hold on- I must have some cash here somewhere!"
I ransack my purse and come up with $7. I offer it to the attendant. He laughs.


ATTENDANT: "You're funny, lady. Take a hike."


Defeated, I start backing out of the lot. In my side-view mirror I see a meter open up across the street. 


ME: "YESSSS!!!"


I peel out, making skid marks and cutting off a line of traffic. Horns are BLARING as I make an illegal U-TURN and head toward the open meter. Too late. Someone is pulling in at the same time I reach the spot. 


ME: "AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"


The clock on my dashboard reads 11:55 am. My audition is in 5 minutes. I'm stressing, BIG TIME. I make a sharp turn down a residential street.


ME: (muttering to myself) "Come on... come on...give me an open space..."


I see four trash barrels lined up against the curbside.


ME: "That will do!"


I put the car in park and jump out. The space is perfect. I start pulling the barrels onto the sidewalk. A gang member approaches. I'm almost done moving the barrels. The gang member is watching me. He walks up to the first barrel, and PUSHES IT BACK INTO THE STREET.


ME: "Oh, Hey, excuse me could you put that back please? I'm going to park here."


The GANG MEMBER responds by pushing another barrel back onto the street. 


ME: "You might have misunderstood me." I could feel my anger levels rising. "I'm going to park here."


He moves toward the third barrel. So do I. We both grab a side. He tries to intimidate me with his stare. I STARE RIGHT BACK. 
We hear a door open, then slam shut. Out of the corner of my eye I see three more gang members approaching. I don't budge.


GANG MEMBER: "Don't make me angry, MAMA-CITA. You can't park here. Go somewhere else."


I stay put. I have no plans to move. We are still holding either side of the barrel. His friends surround us.


ME: "I'll put the barrels back when I return. I always do. Now let go so I can park here."

GANG MEMBER: "I said, park somewhere else, BITCH."

GANG MEMBER 2: "You need some help, Miguel? What's this bitch doin with our trash bins?"

GANG MEMBER 3: "Hey PUNTA why you causin trouble?"


I remain silent and continue the stare-down with the first ASSHOLE. 


GANG MEMBER: "What's the matter, bitch? Can't talk?"

GANG MEMBER 2: (to his buddies) "She must be retarded." He laughs at his own comment.

GANG MEMBER 3: "Hey Saul, watch it. My little cousin's a retard."

GANG MEMBER 2: "Sorry bro, I'm just playin."


I'm impatient and annoyed and I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT.


ME: "Listen you little PUNK-ASS SHIT-HEAD. LET GO OF THE BARREL."


Instead, he tries to jerk it backwards hoping I'll lose my grip. I don't. He yanks it again. I yank it back. Now it's a TUG-OF-WAR contest. His buddies are cheering him on... I'm pulling as hard as I can. Suddenly, I have an idea. I let go of the barrel. The GANG MEMBER flies backwards, hitting the edge of the sidewalk as the barrel falls on top of him. 
His buddies are hysterical. Now I'm scared. The GANG MEMBER gets up. He looks at me with DEATH in his eyes. My body suddenly freezes. I notice his left arm reaching into his jacket. Everything turns into SLOW MOTION. I brace myself for whatever is about to happen. A light flashes. I turn my head to see a cop car turn down the street and head straight for us. The GANG MEMBERS retreat onto the sidewalk. An officer gets out. He points to the GANG MEMBERS and tells them not to move. One of them makes a run for it. The officer jumps back in his vehicle and takes off, in pursuit. I look at my watch. It reads 12:15 pm. 


ME: "Son of a BITCH! I'm late for my audition!"


I look at the other gang members with disgust and FURY. I feel POSSESSED.


ME: "WHY DON'T YOU PULL OUT YOUR GLOCKS AND SHOOT ME?!!"  


The GANG MEMBERS stand there, speechless. In a rage, I start throwing the barrels back onto the sidewalk, muttering obscenities about life and how much it SUCKS and how I'm LATE for my audition, and all sorts of angry shit like that. I get in my car, put it in reverse, and screech my tires as I maneuver into the spot.


ME: "Damn it! I'm sweating!" I yell out loud, as I jump out of the car and slam the door. "FUCK!" I realize I left my headshot in the back seat. 


I fumble for my keys and look up at the GANG MEMBERS, who are still standing there, staring at me. 


ME: "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!"

GANG MEMBER 2: "You're a crazy bitch!"

ME: I look at him oddly. "YOU JUST FIGURED THAT OUT?!!!"


I grab my headshot and start running toward the casting studio. Halfway down the street I trip over a bump in the sidewalk. My body shoots forward and I skid on my hands and chest.


ME: "Son of a BITCH!" I yell out loud. 


My headshot is crumpled and dirty. My hands are bleeding and my boobs feel like they've been sliced off. I can hear the GANG MEMBERS laughing behind me.  I arrive at the studio and run inside. A line of beautiful women are sitting in chairs along the wall. They look me up and down. I know I look like HELL.


ME: "Can anyone tell me where to sign in?"

A bubbly blonde actress points to the reception desk.

ME: "Thank you."


She follows me to the desk.


BUBBLY BLONDE ACTRESS: "Are you here to audition? You have to put your name on the sign-in sheet. Why are your hands all bloody?"


Another actress appears behind me.


OTHER ACTRESS: "You have to sign in at the bottom of the sheet. We were here before you."

ME: (annoyed) "I know that. You don't have to tell me that."

BUBBLY BLONDE ACTRESS: "Are you here for the CHEEZE-ITS commercial, or something else?"

OTHER ACTRESS: (to the BUBBLY BLONDE) "She can't be here for CHEEZE-IT'S. The role is mid-twenties. She's WAY older than that."

BUBBLY BLONDE ACTRESS: "She's probably reading for the mother role- it said late 40's in the breakdown." 


She looks at my headshot.


BUBBLY BLONDE ACTRESS: "Oh my GOD- is that your headshot?"


The top half of my face is partially scraped off.


OTHER ACTRESS: (laughing) "You can't give them that!"


I'm about to respond when the door to the CASTING ROOM opens. The receptionist steps out and walks over to the front desk. She picks up the sign-in sheet and calls out a name.


RECEPTIONIST: "Jennifer Whitman?"


A tall, GORGEOUS blonde stands up. 


RECEPTIONIST: "You may go in now."


The receptionist gawks at me.


RECEPTIONIST: "May I help you with something?"

ME: "Yes, I'm here for the audition."

RECEPTIONIST: "What was your appointment time?"

ME: "Umm.. I'm a little late. It was 12 noon."

RECEPTIONIST: "It's 12:28. You're twenty eight minutes late."

ME: "I'm so sorry, I really am. I ran into some trouble parking- gang members were pushing me around and then I was running and I fell.."

RECEPTIONIST: "Thank you for explaining, Ms..."

ME: "Wade. Amy Wade."

RECEPTIONIST: "Ms. Wade, but it's a big NO-NO to be late in Hollywood. There are no second chances. Have a good day."


I can't believe I blew it AGAIN. The girls are snickering as they watch me exit the studio. I should be humiliated but at this point I don't care anymore. I return to my car. The gang members are gone but there's a ticket on my windshield. 
I read the citation. It's street cleaning day.


ME: "THIS MUST BE A JOKE!"


I look up and the gang members are back. They are laughing and giving each other HIGH-FIVES.


I drive home thinking it can't get any worse. But of course, it can. And it will.