CELL PHONES

I HATE ANSWERING MY PHONE.  MOST OF THE TIME I DON’T ANSWER IT.  MY neighbor always says, “Amy, Why don’t you ever answer your phone? I swear, you NEVER answer your phone when I call!"  I want to reply, “It’s because you’re an ANNOYING BITCH and the sound of your voice makes me GAG"  But, of course, I can't say that because I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings… even though she doesn't give two shits that the sound of her voice makes me DRY-HEAVE. You know what else? I HATE MAKING PHONE CALLS.  I start sweating before I press the area code. I usually press the wrong digits anyway, so my anxiety is building and now I'm sweaty and clammy and I feel a panic attack coming on… So THEN it starts RINGING and I KNOW  I'm going to DIE if they answer so I start praying out loud, “Please don’t answer please don’t answer please don’t answer” but of course, they ALWAYS answer. That's when I become instantly RETARDED. I get so nervous I end up sounding like a mentally challenged person on speed. I don’t know WHY this happens to me. Maybe it’s because ninety-nine percent of the time I make an ASS of myself, and the other one percent I find myself talking to NOONE because MY PIECE OF SHIT CELL PHONE CARRIER DROPPED THE CALL, or my blue tooth stops working or they can hear me but I can’t hear them, or vice versa, or a million other DUMB ASS reasons that make me HATE CELL PHONES.

I also hate when people answer their phones and they sound like they're in the shower or they just woke up or they're totally stressed out and too busy to be talking on the phone, but instead of just NOT ANSWERING IT, they pick it up anyway, and make you feel like a total JERK for calling them!!  WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT? Hey ASSHOLE- next time, don't answer your phone!!